


turns full circle

by ohvictor



Category: Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, Anxiety Attacks, Established Relationship, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Paranoia, vent fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-19
Updated: 2016-10-19
Packaged: 2018-08-23 09:06:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,946
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8322094
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohvictor/pseuds/ohvictor
Summary: Paranoid thoughts drag Hakuryuu into a panic attack; Judal drags him back out.





	

**Author's Note:**

> this work focuses around a paranoia-induced panic attack, and is pretty graphic in terms of detailing paranoid thoughts and physical reactions. please be careful with reading this if you think you may be affected badly by it.

It starts small, it always does. They get lunch with Alibaba, already a strain on Hakuryuu's nerves as he watches Alibaba spill salad dressing on his jeans and not even notice. Judal seems content to chatter away, letting Hakuryuu sit back aside from the occasional comment to show he's still listening. Alibaba eventually lumbers off to Econ, and Hakuryuu takes his first real breath since morning as Judal coughs an exhale and leans his chair back on its hind legs.    
  
"That guy is such a drain! I deserve a smoothie for putting up with him. Hakuryuu, don't I deserve a smoothie?"    
  
Hakuryuu lifts his eyebrows. "You seemed fine talking with him. I'm supposed to be the one who fakes nice."   
  
"I don't feel like being rude today." Judal pitches his chair forward again and the front legs hit the tiles with a thud. "I'm getting a smoothie. Watch my seat!"   
  
He gets up without a second glance. Hakuryuu twinges with the impulse to get up and leave Judal's stuff at the table, then reverberates with guilt for the few minutes until Judal returns.    
  
"They're out of strawberry banana," he says, lifting the cup in his hand, "so this is blueberry and somethin'-or-other. You ready? Don't you have class?"   
  
Hakuryuu doesn't move as Judal starts gathering his keys and bag off the seat next to him. Yes, he has a class, but it feels like a dismissal. Like Judal wants Hakuryuu to go to class. So he doesn't have to talk to anyone else who's such a drain.    
  
"Ryuu," says Judal, and there's no concern in his voice yet. Pettiness and complicity war in Hakuryuu's veins until his body, machinelike, stands and gathers his things.    
  
He makes it to class a minute into the lecture, slides into a seat two rows from the front, and does his damn best to focus on the Powerpoint his professor keeps waving a meter stick at. She's gesturing at the bullet points which seem very removed from what she's actually saying, and the meter stick wags close to the board and then soars away without touching. Hakuryuu braces himself for a soft thwack of impact as she gestures again, but again there's nothing.    
  
Wave, withdraw. He presses the nails of one hand against the table. Wag, withdraw. How does Judal really feel about Alibaba? Doesn't he usually make it clear that Alibaba annoys him? Why was he nice to Alibaba and then dismissive of Hakuryuu? The meter stick brushes the board with a tiny swish. Was Judal faking it for Hakuryuu? Does he even care about Hakuryuu?    
  
A buzz from his pocket nearly makes Hakuryuu jump out of his chair; his eyes prepare for Judal's name, visualize some sort of apology, explanation, but the name reads "Hakuei" and the text says "yeah haha" and Hakuryuu's stomach sinks. Literally sinks. Judal isn't texting him. Judal's probably reveling in his time alone, not having to babysit Hakuryuu. He always says Hakuryuu tires him out, that Hakuryuu is too much, and he always says it affectionately but what if it isn't. What if he really resents Hakuryuu. It wouldn't be the first time someone's let Hakuryuu believe they care about him when really--   
  
He makes himself focus harder on the lecture, as his thoughts arrange themselves into loops that play whenever he lets himself relax. Judal doesn't like you. You're a burden. You hurt everyone around you. The professor changes the slide but she's still talking about something Hakuryuu isn't really following. He digs his phone out again and opens a text to Judal. Judal hates him. He presses all his weight onto the lock button and turns his phone off.    
  
He tucks his phone into his pocket as his arm burns with the urge to throw it.    
  
Class is a blur and when he slouches out the door an hour later Hakuryuu doesn't remember standing up and walking there. Belatedly he realizes his phone is still off and he doesn't know where Judal is. Does that matter, though? Judal hates him. It's better if Judal doesn't have to lie to his face about wanting Hakuryuu around. He'll just go home and try to study.    
  
Studying, predictably, is a bust. Hakuryuu sits at his desk and aimlessly shreds the edge of his syllabus without noticing his hands are moving. He wonders where Judal is, and why Judal hasn't come to find him. He reaches for his phone to turn it on and then reminds himself that Judal doesn't care enough to have texted anyway. Why bother? Nobody cares. The people he wants to care about him don't care. No one will be honest with him. He deserves it, probably. He's polite to everyone, especially the people he hates. He hates most people. He deserves it. Judal hates him, and it's okay. It's great. It took him long enough to realize what kind of person Hakuryuu really is.    
  
The door clicks open and light spills over Hakuryuu, the desk, the shreds of paper. Hakuryuu doesn't turn; he forgets how to move his back until it's too late to react on time. He hears Judal unzip and kick off his boots, the jangle of keys as Judal sets them on the table. The hair raising on his neck as Judal approaches from behind. The room feels so quiet. Why isn't Judal talking?   
  
"Baby," Judal starts, and Hakuryuu's blood boils.    
  
"Who are you calling 'baby'," he says, turning in his chair. Judal looks the same as he did at lunch, hair impeccable, expression guarded, and Hakuryuu surges with anger.    
  
"I texted," says Judal, holding up his phone. "You didn't answer. I wanted to go out for dinner. Do you want to get--"   
  
"Why are you being nice?"   
  
Judal pauses. "You didn't text back; I thought maybe you weren't feeling--"   
  
"Maybe I was busy," Hakuryuu says. His face feels warm. "I'm studying, anyway. I didn't think you'd want to see me."   
  
"I always want to see you."   
  
Liar, says Hakuryuu's pulse in his ear. Liar, he doesn't want you, he's afraid of you getting angry. Liar, his pulse a battering ram in his chest. He's on his feet without really knowing how he got there. "How do I know? If you'll fake nice for Alibaba--"   
  
"What the hell does Alibaba have to do with--"    
  
"How do I know you're not faking like you care about me? How do I know, Judal?"   
  
Judal spreads his hands, making a sound of disbelief. "Why the hell would I fake it? We live together! I eat all my meals with you! I wouldn't do that for someone I don't like!"   
  
"Well, what's the point?" Hakuryuu can't hear his pulse as well now. He realizes he might be yelling. "Why me? There's nothing good about me! You're wasting your time!"   
  
"No," says Judal, and finally, finally, he looks nervous. He spreads his hands again, with the palms up. "Hakuryuu. Ryuu. I think you need to calm down. Take a--"   
  
"Don't tell me what to do." Hakuryuu's chest is tightening. He grabs at his shirt collar and tries to let air in. "You don't care, you don't care--"   
  
"Baby," Judal says. He takes a step closer. "Ryuu, here, give me your hands."   
  
Hakuryuu's hands won't move. Numbly, he lets Judal touch them, hold them, pull them away from his throat. He's heaving, his chest too tight to hold air, and his vision swims but he feels pressure on his arms, his shoulders, as Judal pulls him close and holds him.    
  
"Hakuryuu," says Judal. His voice doesn't have emotion in it, like an echo, or a memory. "Just try and breathe. I need you to breathe." His hand is on Hakuryuu's back, rubbing loose shapes into Hakuryuu's frozen muscles. Hakuryuu fights an inhale that scorches his throat like a sob. Judal holds him. Hakuryuu's pulse whistles and Judal says, "Shh," like he can hear it. He must be able to hear it. It's so loud.    
  
"You're doing well," Judal says. Hakuryuu's hands are shaking, or maybe it's his arms, or his head. Or even Judal. His arms feel too long, like pieces of string. They fall to his sides. His head buzzes. His throat feels full. He coughs, experimental, and finds nothing but air. Judal pats his back, between his shoulderblades. His throat hurts with each exhale. His chest feels like a house he’s broken into.    
  
Judal's hands on his back become more pronounced. Hakuryuu can feel individual fingers. His shoulders ache and he concentrates on relaxing them, muscle by muscle. He can't hear anything; after a moment, he notices it's the absence of his pulse, dropped to a murmur.    
  
Pathetic, it whispers. Weak. Useless.    
  
"Keep breathing," says Judal, loud and clear.    
  
"I'm sorry," Hakuryuu says, and he barely hears himself over the hiss of his heartbeat. "I'm sorry. Judal..."    
  
"It's okay." Judal steps back, his hands still on Hakuryuu's shoulders. He doesn't go far, but he reaches up to wipe a few tears off of Hakuryuu's cheeks and nose. There are tears on Judal's cheeks too and Hakuryuu feels the guilt in the lump in his throat.    
  
"I'm sorry."   
  
"It's okay." Judal's hands track down Hakuryuu's arms to take his hands and squeeze them. "I didn't mean to make you feel bad."   
  
"It's not your fault, it's my--"   
  
"Shh. I should've been clearer. I was tired at lunch and I didn't realize how my words sounded. It's on me, yeah? It was preventable."    
  
Judal sounds so sure of himself. Hakuryuu swallows, wills the lump to recede. His voice sounds scratched raw. "I shouldn't have freaked out. It's stupid."   
  
"It's not your fault. Your brain does shit you can't control. All of our brains do. You know the bullshit I think on bad days, Ryuu. You know the shit I've done."   
  
Hakuryuu doesn't remember anything Judal's done. But Judal sounds so sure. "Why don't you hate me?"   
  
"I couldn't," says Judal. "There's no one in the world I care about like how I care about you. I'd probably die for you if you asked."   
  
Hakuryuu laughs, half-sob. "That's messed up."   
  
Judal smiles, cheeky. "You look unfairly cute when you cry."   
  
"You like it when I'm upset?"   
  
"I gotta find an upside."   
  
"You're a dork." Hakuryuu lifts his arm and scrubs at his face, drying up tear tracks. He sniffles. "I'm sorry."    
  
"I love you," says Judal, quieter. It's been a while since Hakuryuu's heard him say it, he realizes. Usually Judal says it like, here, I got you lunch. You have class, remember? I hate everyone in the fucking world but you're okay, I guess, Ryuu.    
  
"I love you too," Hakuryuu says.    
  
Judal smiles, and Hakuryuu admires the neat, sharp edges of his teeth. The gentle flick of his nose. The thick wing of his eye makeup, miraculously untouched by tears. Judal doesn't cry very often but he always says he likes to be prepared for worst case scenarios.    
  
"I want to have dinner out," Hakuryuu says finally. He hopes he sounds decisive. "Chinese food."   
  
"You always want Chinese food."   
  
"Yeah. Just like I want Chinese food now."    
  
Judal acquiesces. "Okay, fine. I'm getting two things of soup, though. And extra dumplings!"   
  
"And to think you were complaining ten seconds ago."   
  
"I'll place the call!" Judal swipes Hakuryuu's phone from the desk. "Did you turn this off? No wonder you didn't text back." He hesitates, and then presses the lock button. The screen flares white, and Judal nods in satisfaction. "We're golden. Good as new."   
  
Hakuryuu takes a breath and his chest lets him. The idea of Chinese food tempts his stomach enough to growl. "Good as new," he echoes, and his pulse doesn't argue.

**Author's Note:**

> hakuryuu's paranoid thoughts and resulting panic attack are basically autobiographical. i wanted to try processing my feelings by shoving them onto comfort characters, so here we are. 
> 
> it's not referenced in the fic at all, but i was envisioning a sort of magical realism where judal can still see rukh, and hakuryuu's rukh changes to black during his attack and then goes white again once he's calming down. judal walking into the apartment to find his boyfriend teeming with black rukh is an image i liked but couldn't figure out how to fit in.


End file.
